It’s been a while since I’ve written on here never mind posting anything at all. I guess it goes to show I only use this when I really need to vent because who really reads these things right?
I have been trying to keep it together for nearly the last week. I’m terrible at breakups but who really isn’t? I loved my ex girlfriend more than I’ve loved anyone in my life. I really thought she was the one for me, my soulmate…my forever. I thought she was going to be the person that I would see walking down the aisle towards me with the biggest smile and happy tears in her eyes. I thought she was going to be the one to give birth to my babies. Our babies. This is someone I was so positive I was going to grow old with, be buried next to. I had every dream you could possibly imagine in mind for us. I was so happy and so ready to put things into action to be able to make these things happen for us.
Then, just like that it all crumbled at my feet. She decided she no longer wanted this, us. She decided I’m too much. How long has she really known because let’s be realistic here. I’ve been ignoring a lot of things because I didn’t want to lose her but in the process I may have lost a bit of myself. I said I wouldn’t deal with things being hidden, I wouldn’t deal with being lied to, i wouldn’t deal with things not being communicated to me. I wouldn’t deal with not knowing where I stand in someone’s heart. Yet, I dealt with it all. I essentially broke my own heart by staying with someone who ultimately was unsure about me. One day I was the perfect girlfriend and the next I was too much.
I’m honest though. Was I the perfect girlfriend all of the time? Hell no. I have a temper, I can be mean and say hurtful things. I can shut you down and sometimes look things over that have really affected you. I try to please everyone and sometimes that not only put my wants and needs on hold but also hers. I can be a little controlling or possessive but if I didn’t feel shaky about the trust why would I need to look? Not that I’m justifying it but even when I didn’t it fell into my lap. Then, I was the bad guy for speaking up about it. I was wrong for demanding more respect, more honesty. It was promised to me and still I didn’t get it. Instead, I got left.
I have literally given my everything to this woman. Anything to make her happy. I cooked whatever she wanted, bought her whatever she wanted, made love to her whenever she wanted, took care of her when she was sick or was on her cycle, I would write her letters, bring her chocolate, tell her how beautiful she was and constantly express my feelings to her. I’d even let her be the big spoon if she wanted to. I worked my ass off to try and build us a secure foundation and unfortunately it didn’t happen when we needed it to, it didn’t happen before we fell apart. I put her needs before mine the majority of the time and still it wasn’t enough.
She says she needs to work on herself and I understand but fuck why can’t we work on ourselves together? Why can’t we build our lives together and flourish together? You’re never going to be fully ready, fully prepared, completely perfect. There is always room for improvement. What if I really am her soulmate? Then what? Will the universe pull us back together? Will I even trust that she made the changes she needs to? Is she going to be loyal and respect me the way I deserve? Will I be able to take her word? The universe works in funny ways so who’s to say she won’t somehow end up back in my life and our flame gets ignited again and just like that everything falls into place? Or maybe not.
Do I hate her for this? No. I can’t. If I could hate her then that means I never have loved her and everyone in the physical and spiritual world knows I love this woman with every ounce of my being. She truly would take care of me when I needed her to. Made me tea when I was sick, rubbed my feet after a long day, made sure I had a hot plate when I got home from a late night at work, gave me all of the cuddles and kisses I wanted and she helped open my third eye. She helped me dive into my spirituality to find a bigger purpose for myself and to connect with the spiritual world and my inner being. That is something you can’t put a price on. She has done so many things for me. She is an amazing woman. Right now though she is not the woman I belong with. I may not belong with anyone at this moment in time and she may not either.
I poured too much of myself out and left myself empty. I was too busy trying to make her happy I neglected myself. There are things that need healing. There’s things I have to let go of and there’s some self love work that needs to get done. I feel like this happened because spirit was telling me to wake the hell up and work on myself!
I set up an ancestor altar and I reached out to them asking for their help, especially when I do this self love candle work on Friday that the tarot reader I went to told me to do and I’m confident they will help me.
Ultimately, I need to fill myself again. I’m going to be working a lot to build my foundation in the next couple of months and plan on taking my spiritual journey to a new level when I have my own space.
I have been letting my emotions flow and doing what it takes to keep my sanity but tonight I was really going through it. I randomly had a vision in my head of when she used to come home and get all excited to see me and the cats and it completely turned on the waterworks. I do miss the hell out of her and sometimes I wish we could go back to the days where we knew exactly what we wanted and made different choices to get us there faster. Honestly though we’re not together for a reason right now and that may be because we don’t belong together or because we need to become better people for each other in the future. What’s meant to be will always happen and all I can do is trust that the universe knows what it’s doing. In the meantime, I’m working on myself, loving myself more and filling myself back up. I deserve to be the best version of myself I can be for myself, first.
Every day is getting easier, slowly but surely. I’ll have my moments here and there but all I can do is let my emotions flow and heal my wounds. I have a lot to work on but I’m excited for this journey.
I will always have a special place for her in my heart. After all she was my first submissive and that in itself is something special that no one can take away.
Tomorrow is a new day and each day I love myself a little more and I let go of my losses a little more. I’ve written this entire post in tears and now I’m starting to feel a little lighter so we’re getting somewhere here.
I’m going to try to be on here a little more often but I’m also working on a new book so we’ll see. Hopefully my next post will be on a lighter note and my heart will be in the same place.
Until next time,