Losses & Gains (Vent)

It’s been a while since I’ve written on here never mind posting anything at all. I guess it goes to show I only use this when I really need to vent because who really reads these things right?

I have been trying to keep it together for nearly the last week. I’m terrible at breakups but who really isn’t? I loved my ex girlfriend more than I’ve loved anyone in my life. I really thought she was the one for me, my soulmate…my forever. I thought she was going to be the person that I would see walking down the aisle towards me with the biggest smile and happy tears in her eyes. I thought she was going to be the one to give birth to my babies. Our babies. This is someone I was so positive I was going to grow old with, be buried next to. I had every dream you could possibly imagine in mind for us. I was so happy and so ready to put things into action to be able to make these things happen for us.

Then, just like that it all crumbled at my feet. She decided she no longer wanted this, us. She decided I’m too much. How long has she really known because let’s be realistic here. I’ve been ignoring a lot of things because I didn’t want to lose her but in the process I may have lost a bit of myself. I said I wouldn’t deal with things being hidden, I wouldn’t deal with being lied to, i wouldn’t deal with things not being communicated to me. I wouldn’t deal with not knowing where I stand in someone’s heart. Yet, I dealt with it all. I essentially broke my own heart by staying with someone who ultimately was unsure about me. One day I was the perfect girlfriend and the next I was too much.

I’m honest though. Was I the perfect girlfriend all of the time? Hell no. I have a temper, I can be mean and say hurtful things. I can shut you down and sometimes look things over that have really affected you. I try to please everyone and sometimes that not only put my wants and needs on hold but also hers. I can be a little controlling or possessive but if I didn’t feel shaky about the trust why would I need to look? Not that I’m justifying it but even when I didn’t it fell into my lap. Then, I was the bad guy for speaking up about it. I was wrong for demanding more respect, more honesty. It was promised to me and still I didn’t get it. Instead, I got left.

I have literally given my everything to this woman. Anything to make her happy. I cooked whatever she wanted, bought her whatever she wanted, made love to her whenever she wanted, took care of her when she was sick or was on her cycle, I would write her letters, bring her chocolate, tell her how beautiful she was and constantly express my feelings to her. I’d even let her be the big spoon if she wanted to. I worked my ass off to try and build us a secure foundation and unfortunately it didn’t happen when we needed it to, it didn’t happen before we fell apart. I put her needs before mine the majority of the time and still it wasn’t enough.

She says she needs to work on herself and I understand but fuck why can’t we work on ourselves together? Why can’t we build our lives together and flourish together? You’re never going to be fully ready, fully prepared, completely perfect. There is always room for improvement. What if I really am her soulmate? Then what? Will the universe pull us back together? Will I even trust that she made the changes she needs to? Is she going to be loyal and respect me the way I deserve? Will I be able to take her word? The universe works in funny ways so who’s to say she won’t somehow end up back in my life and our flame gets ignited again and just like that everything falls into place? Or maybe not.

Do I hate her for this? No. I can’t. If I could hate her then that means I never have loved her and everyone in the physical and spiritual world knows I love this woman with every ounce of my being. She truly would take care of me when I needed her to. Made me tea when I was sick, rubbed my feet after a long day, made sure I had a hot plate when I got home from a late night at work, gave me all of the cuddles and kisses I wanted and she helped open my third eye. She helped me dive into my spirituality to find a bigger purpose for myself and to connect with the spiritual world and my inner being. That is something you can’t put a price on. She has done so many things for me. She is an amazing woman. Right now though she is not the woman I belong with. I may not belong with anyone at this moment in time and she may not either.

I poured too much of myself out and left myself empty. I was too busy trying to make her happy I neglected myself. There are things that need healing. There’s things I have to let go of and there’s some self love work that needs to get done. I feel like this happened because spirit was telling me to wake the hell up and work on myself!

I set up an ancestor altar and I reached out to them asking for their help, especially when I do this self love candle work on Friday that the tarot reader I went to told me to do and I’m confident they will help me.

Ultimately, I need to fill myself again. I’m going to be working a lot to build my foundation in the next couple of months and plan on taking my spiritual journey to a new level when I have my own space.

I have been letting my emotions flow and doing what it takes to keep my sanity but tonight I was really going through it. I randomly had a vision in my head of when she used to come home and get all excited to see me and the cats and it completely turned on the waterworks. I do miss the hell out of her and sometimes I wish we could go back to the days where we knew exactly what we wanted and made different choices to get us there faster. Honestly though we’re not together for a reason right now and that may be because we don’t belong together or because we need to become better people for each other in the future. What’s meant to be will always happen and all I can do is trust that the universe knows what it’s doing. In the meantime, I’m working on myself, loving myself more and filling myself back up. I deserve to be the best version of myself I can be for myself, first.

Every day is getting easier, slowly but surely. I’ll have my moments here and there but all I can do is let my emotions flow and heal my wounds. I have a lot to work on but I’m excited for this journey.

I will always have a special place for her in my heart. After all she was my first submissive and that in itself is something special that no one can take away.

Tomorrow is a new day and each day I love myself a little more and I let go of my losses a little more. I’ve written this entire post in tears and now I’m starting to feel a little lighter so we’re getting somewhere here.

I’m going to try to be on here a little more often but I’m also working on a new book so we’ll see. Hopefully my next post will be on a lighter note and my heart will be in the same place.

Until next time,

Jasmine

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My Taurus

I have always been a firm believer in astrology. Any time I have gotten into a relationship and read about how our signs and how they are together it has literally been on point. Of course as humans in love we tend to ignore the red flags even when reading about other’s zodiac signs and compatibility. I’ve done it time and time again thinking the good will always outweigh the bad and I am proved wrong just about every time.

I am a Cancer. My emotions control everything. My life, my thoughts and my relationships. I literally take everything to heart because from my point of view one does not say or do something without thinking about it first or having an emotional connection to it. A coworker could walk past me and not say anything and my immediate thought would be that they’re upset with me or that I did something wrong. From that point on the wheels start turning and never stop until they do or say something that assures me my thinking is wrong. Now, i’m sure you can imagine how this plays into my romantic relationships.

I’m needy. I need a whole lot of attention and affection but most of all assurance, all of the time. This doesn’t work with just anyone though. Most zodiac signs can’t tolerate it…so I’ve learned. People get sick of me easy and want space. I do not do space! Especially since I constantly need assurance. Now, here’s where it gets interesting. Being a cancer my alias is a crab. Meaning I have a hard shell with soft insides. Most people say I look unapproachable. I don’t smile much unless i’m beyond ecstatic. I look rough around the edges and I don’t talk much unless i’m wicked comfortable around you which takes a lot of time. In a relationship it takes a lot to crack my shell and sometimes I will still behind the pieces once you break it. Cracking my shell takes a lot of effort. Once you get through it though I have nothing but love and affection behind it. Sure, I can be a smart mouthed asshole sometimes and get a little cold but hey, I never said I was perfect.

For a cancer being in a relationship security is the absolute most important thing. That’s where the constant assurance falls into place…that is unless it’s a common shared need between your sign and your partner’s sign. The other zodiac sign that shares the common need for stability like a cancer is a Taurus. Have I known this all along since I started dating to begin with? Yes. Do you think I ever sought one out? No. Here I am though at 26 with a Taurus. Finally. She also has never been with a Cancer and has always wanted to.

From the moment she let me know she was into me everything just fell into place. She lived in New Jersey and here I am in Massachusetts. This could have been a ruining factor because let’s face it, a small percentage of long distance relationships actually last but we made it work. Spending weekends together every month or so sometimes in Boston or New York and places in between, texting all day and night, video chatting, sending pictures and showing our love for each other all over social media. Now, 6 months later and she is living here in Massachusetts with me. She was supposed to come visit for a weekend at my house and she didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want her to either. It just felt right. So, she stayed. If I thought I was attached before well, now I’m attached even more.

I’ve never been a believer in it taking a certain amount of time for you to fall in love with someone or that things are supposed to take place at a certain point in a relationship. If you feel it then you go with it. Period. I fell for her fast. In weeks. How could I not? She’s a cute little Latina with curly hair and a huge beautiful smile. She listens to Sade, Deftones and knows everything about hip hop history. She’s into spirituality, horoscopes and ancient Egyptian culture. She even has a fascination with serial killers. She has the most innocent look but her insides are as dark and twisted as mine. Then you have the way she makes me feel. Alive, stable and so fucking in love. This woman can calm my temper and make me want to be better. She listens and cares. She always tells me how much she believes in me, in us and makes it a point to give me positive outlooks when all I see is hell in front of me. This is someone who truly has my best interest at heart. If she tells me something I never have to second guess it. The trust and respect is just there. For once in my life I am in a healthy relationship. No type of abuse, no using me, no making me feel like shit all of the time. The connection is amazing and the attraction is out of this world. She literally is everything I have ever wanted in someone and who thought it’d come in a 4’11’ package? haha.

I am so glad that I have finally found my Taurus. This may come off as a girlfriend appreciation post or maybe a way to convince you just how accurate astrology can be. Take it as you will.

-JayZamora

Ongoing mental health battle

Most of my childhood was either spent outside of the house, not usually by choice or inside a counselors office. My mom thought I needed “help” ever since I can remember. Funny, she wanted me to get help from a counselor or a psychiatrist but I was never allowed to actually talk about my home life so she wouldn’t get in trouble with DSS (what DCF was called when I was growing up).

How can one get help when they cannot talk about the root of their problems?

I blamed myself for the sake of protecting my mother. “This is just how I am and how I’ve always been”. She always threatened if I talked too much or said things about our home life that me and my sister would get taken away from her.

I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was fairly young, maybe 5 or so. I wouldn’t stay still for anything and my mind moved faster than I could keep up with. As time progressed (still in counseling and seeing a psychiatrist) I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, post traumatic stress disorder, a touch of obsessive compulsion disorder and Bipolar. These diagnosis’ were just big words to me that meant nothing. I listened to my mother and took my medication and that was that for now.

When I was 16 I came out to my mother about being a lesbian. She was not pleased at all, In fact, she didn’t talk to me for weeks and when she did it was only to tell me how disappointing and disgusting I am. This was the beginning of a very toxic relationship for us. She put me in christian conversion therapy and eventually when I had enough of the bullshit I quit it and also quit taking my medication.

You see, my mother and I always had a very distant relationship. She didn’t really hug me or tell me she loved me. She barely spent any time with me and there was always a void between us. She also had the same diagnoses as I did from her psychiatrist and her mother suffered from schizophrenia. Mental health issues ran right down the bloodline. I never met my father and my step father (my sister’s biological father) was a piece of shit alcoholic who beat on my mother, my sister and I. He pretty much did everything and anything to terrorize our lives when he was drinking unless he was in some manic great mood where he wanted to act like a decent human being. When sober he kept to himself and was grumpy most of the time. My mother lived in fear and her priority was always pleasing him first and unfortunately my sister and I took the back burner. More so myself. Our family was miserable eighty percent of the time. The other twenty percent took place on holidays where my sister and I were spoiled regardless of the fact that my “parents” didn’t have much money at all. Bittersweet memories.

I started cutting. Not often but every now and again. Eventually, I was hospitalized because I cut a little too deep one day and started panicking. My mother saw what I did and brought me to the hospital. My first experience in the psychiatric ward and I was pretty much a testing rat with all the different types of medication they had me trying. Some had me feeling like a zombie and others had me scratching the skin off of my legs. In there was where I had my first panic attack. Of course my mom was displeased with me for my actions and this only proved to her just how bad I needed help. Again, what could I say? Nothing. I took the blame. “This is just how I am”.

I got my first job at a fast food restaurant and that’s when I noticed just how bad my anxiety was. Busy store, long lines and having to learn so much in such a fast pace. Every day for about a year there was a borderline panic attack experience. Fast forward a little bit until I turned 18 and moved out the very next day after my birthday. Of course, like most teenagers I ended up moving back in with my mother because I didn’t realize just how hard it was living in the real world and affording everything.

Shortly after I went through a pretty bad break up with “my first love”. It was a long distance relationship and I had only met her once when she came to stay for a week from Colorado to meet my family. I was going to relocate to be with her and the day before I was about to buy my one way ticket I had found out she had been trying to get back with her ex and even contacting her while she had spent the week with me. I was heartbroken. This was someone who I put so much love, trust and effort into. Not to mention I was going to move across the country to be with her. I broke it off and slipped into a deep depression.

One day I was crying to the point of no return and came across a few bottles of prescription medication. I decided to take a handful of each with the motive of killing myself. A few minutes after I instantly regretted it. I called my mom and told her what I had did and she rushed home to find me in and out of consciousness. Again, I was hospitalized. This time I did a lot of thinking. I didn’t want to be on medication again. I wanted to own my life, completely. I wanted to be “okay” because I had a handle on my mental health. I didn’t like the idea of “help” because every little thing I did since I was young my mother would say how much I needed “help” like I just wasn’t okay on my own.

Fast forward a couple of months later and my mother and I got into a huge argument. She pinned me down on the couch and put all of her weight on top of me. She punched and slapped me a few times until I was able to push her off of me and kick her to get away. I ran into the bathroom but she ended up busting the door in. She opened my mouth and poured a shitload of black pepper down my throat. I started couching and spitting up blood. I spent hours crying on the bathroom floor and of course I ended up going back to my old ways of cutting again. A couple of days later we got into another argument. She slapped me across my face and I snapped. I completely beat her ass and unleashed every bit of anger and resentment I had for her. My sister called the police at my mother’s command and next thing you know I was sitting in a holding cell. I didn’t start it but I also didn’t have any marks but a scratch or two and my mother ended up having a black eye and busted lip along with some bumps on her head. Was I right? No. Was I fed up? Yes. Over the years I had taken all of the beatings from my stepdad and even some from my mother and had never retaliated. This was years of bottling things up and eventually I had no more room left in that bottle.

I ended up getting off clean after a few days in the holding cell but my mother had a restraining order on me. I was homeless. Thankfully, my best friend at the time convinced her mother to take me in. My best friend and I were rebels. We didn’t listen to anyone about anything. Drinking, drugs, sex, fights and whatever else happened we were down for. I fell in love with ecstasy. It made me feel so damn good and gave me confidence I never thought I could have. I questioned my sexuality a couple of times and had my mother’s opinion in the back of my mind the entire time. Maybe if I had sex with men I could “make myself straight” or at the very least satisfy my mother. Nope, didn’t work. Like I knew deep inside I loved women.

I had a few useless relationships, nothing worth writing home about. Slipping in and out of depression, having random panic attacks and a few temper tantrums here and there were the norm. When my mother took the restraining order off of me I moved back home and added to the holes I had put in the walls and doors of her apartment. I was pretty much a loose cannon at this point and no one could tell me I was doing anything  wrong.

I met who ended up being my wife and we had a very turbulent relationship. When we were good we were great but when we were bad we were horrible. It ended up being abusive in every sense of the word and we were trying to mend something for years that just wasn’t fixable. We both came from broken homes, we both had bad tempers, we both were stubborn and wanted to be the dominant one. We just weren’t meant to be. We both deserved better. It didn’t help that I stepped out on our marriage shortly after our honeymoon. We both deserved a healthy, happy relationship and our marriage wasn’t either. Should we have gotten married? Probably not. Everything happens for a reason though and the years after our marriage taught me a lot.

After our separation I was tested quite a few times and failed every time. I had drunk episodes where I ended up being hospitalized for intoxication. I had times where I cut myself into stitches. I had times I had panic attacks where I hyperventilated uncontrollably. I had times where I threw tantrums and broke things.

Now, here I am. I have two things keeping me sane. My drive to be a better person, using outlets to release my emotions in healthy ways and my girlfriend who I refuse to put through hell. Am I perfect? Hell no. Can I be better? Hell yes. I have finally made the decision to actively get a handle on my mental health instead of just waiting to get better one day. Writing/typing is helping, I am seeking a psychiatrist and my girlfriend never ceases to amaze me with the amount of love, care, patience and understanding she gives me. I deserve a healthy relationship for a change and I plan on keeping mine. I will never blame my mother or anyone for that matter for my mental health issues but I know my childhood definitely played a part in it. I refuse to take the blame for everything else though outside of my own actions. I didn’t ask for these issues. I didn’t ask to be mentally unhealthy. No one ever does. All we can do is cope.

Nonetheless, there will be struggles and I have the strength to pull through. I’m a survivor and I will always have that mode on.

-JayZamora

 

10/6

The lustful taste of every sin you’ve committed is masked by your innocent face.

I had to ruin you from the inside out.

I had to destroy any innocence left behind by those who couldn’t reach your soul.

I had to dig deep…deeper and deeper until you reached your climax at my demand.

Your innocence poured onto me.

Your taste so pure and sweet.

Your eyes staring into mine told me that every ounce of your being would always be at my disposal.

After all, I see right through to the real you.

To the world you’re everything but the woman you are when I dominate you.

-JayZamora

& my universe became complete once i found safety in your touch

I have never had my body pushed to its limit or screamed with such passion before

You completely destroyed me and filled me up like a cup in dire need of wine

I am yours and yours alone

Touched in ways only you have mastered

And expertly carried out for my frame alone

Love in its most twisted and loyal form

My body still sore from your digging

And my heart is ripped out from its comfortable cavity

Beating alongside yours

A rhythm soulful and deep

I belong to you In every sense

Marked forever and for an eternity

-writerfromjersey

What I deserve

I have a love/hate relationship with self inflicted pain.

No, not physical.

My sickness is deeper than that.

Cutting only hurts physically, I’d rather torture myself emotionally.

Convince myself everything positive in my life is too good to be true.

Push away anyone that tries to love me.

I don’t deserve love.

I don’t deserve kindness, warmth or security.

I want to stay anxious, depressed and lonely.

Leave me here in the cold dark.

Leave me alone.

My demons work best when I don’t put up a fight.

My demons keep me company.

My demons remind me daily that I don’t need anyone but them.

Why can’t I keep my walls up?

I want you but I want to push you away too.

You’re too good to be true.

You’re not real.

You’re temporary.

You’ll leave me in the dark so I might as well get comfortable right?

And maybe I’m wrong.

Maybe you’ll stay.

Maybe you’ll scare my demons away.

Maybe you’ll love me for me and always keep me company.

Maybe you’re all I need.

Maybe you can set me free.

-JayZamora

Heaven and Hell

It’s common that people don’t believe in God’s existence or aren’t completely sure but so many people whether a believer in God or not are positive there is a heaven and hell. They believe based on your deeds, behavior and even the way your mind works you will definitely go to one or the other when you die.

I don’t believe in either. Although I may have a slight fascination with the idea of hell when it comes down to it I do not believe there is an existence.

The best argument I’ve had against it is when someone said: “If energy cannot be destroyed but can be transferred then when one dies it has to go somewhere and that would be heaven or hell.”

Although that’s a good point, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s correct and my theory may not be either but I personally believe that when ones physical body dies that their energy stays here on earth with us.

When people who are into spirituality put their energy into something whether it be a stone or any other object they are transferring good energy into it. When one summons energy from an ouija board they are rolling the dice so to speak because they may be putting good energy or bad energy into the universe and that will result in what spirits help them with their experience because after all, the spirits stay with us here on earth and they are the carriers of this energy.

I believe this also explains how people sometimes feel or see loved ones that have passed in their dreams or even in reality reaching out to them because after all they never left them. They are still here on earth which is why psychics can still reach out to them. If they were in another “world, place, universe” they’d be out of reach and wouldn’t be able to communicate with the living.

Again, this is my theory and you’re welcome to have your own.

-JayZamora

Energy

Energy can be transferred…

The way you look at me, the glow on your skin, the way you smile…I feel it in my stomach.
Your hand in mine, your head on my chest and your arms wrapped around me…I feel it in the depths of my soul.
Your lips against mine, your hands on my face, your stare when you open your eyes…I feel it in my heart.

Every bit of emotion you feel when you’re with me, I feel it too.
As soon as your body touches mine every ounce of love you’ve ever felt for me, I feel it too.
Every word that slips off of your lips that escaped your heart, I feel it too.

Your energy keeps me grounded when my head is lost in the stars.
When you’re around your energy becomes mine…

But it can never be destroyed.

-JayZamora