What I deserve

I have a love/hate relationship with self inflicted pain.

No, not physical.

My sickness is deeper than that.

Cutting only hurts physically, I’d rather torture myself emotionally.

Convince myself everything positive in my life is too good to be true.

Push away anyone that tries to love me.

I don’t deserve love.

I don’t deserve kindness, warmth or security.

I want to stay anxious, depressed and lonely.

Leave me here in the cold dark.

Leave me alone.

My demons work best when I don’t put up a fight.

My demons keep me company.

My demons remind me daily that I don’t need anyone but them.

Why can’t I keep my walls up?

I want you but I want to push you away too.

You’re too good to be true.

You’re not real.

You’re temporary.

You’ll leave me in the dark so I might as well get comfortable right?

And maybe I’m wrong.

Maybe you’ll stay.

Maybe you’ll scare my demons away.

Maybe you’ll love me for me and always keep me company.

Maybe you’re all I need.

Maybe you can set me free.



Author: jayzamora

I don't know how to condense who I am into a sentence or even a paragraph for that matter. I'm 26, from New England, Mexican/European and a proud member of the LGBTQ community. I'm complicated, rough around the edges and have a twisted mind. Life experiences drive me to write. This is how I stay sane.

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